WEll, i know most of you are on facebook, but i had to journal this - i feel like it's been eating me alive - last Wednesday (5 am) my time, i got the call - a call that i've waited for - but did not expect - my nephew Thomas died ....we dont know if accidntal from a chocking game - or if it was suicide - this has affected me deeply - perhaps because i've known him since he was one years old, and maybe i feel guilty for not worrying about him ...i always worried about the othrs, they had been on deaths door, a few times, they've been in trouble, figuring out ways to stay out - but this one - he graudated - planned on going to college - lived out here for 2 years, he was quiet, gifted (played guitar), was funny, always smiling - (was he hiding a pain we didnt know about) - mabye another reason it's affected me so much, is i have a big heart, bigger than i should, i feel so bd for my sister, she's so far away, i wish i was there every morning to help her, this is going to be the ultimate pain for her - i cant even imagine - but...in my heart, my sad, heavy heart, i have faith, and i have hope, i know from my study of the bible i will see him again, but it doesnt make losing him easy - waht i learned this weekend, and was reminded of, that even Jesus gave way to tears when Lazarus died (even when he himself had the power to resurrect him, of which he did) but it shows that even Jesus felt pain, could grieve, and understood the pain of death - i couldnt afford to go home, was way too expensive - so i missed the wake, the fuenral, i missed all of it - though i was there, i wore black all week last week, i wrote poems, i snet a letter to put in his coffin, i have sent numerous cards, i've set up a FB page in dedication to Thomas - and I will when the dust settles find out what happened, not becuase it will bring him back but becasue i need closure - if he was depressed, maybe theres' a deepr family problem we need to know about? and with tha tcomes the responsiblilty - and if indeed it was acciental from the "choking game" then i intedn on joining the bandwagon on educationg families - i dont want antohr family to feel what we have - this has been so hard - life is so precious, and i know i take it for granted....this weekend we had our 3 day convention f (Jehovahs witnesses) and it's wha ti needed - spiritual refreshment, biblical reminders, and the fellowship - my load feels lighter, so onward i go, still with a heavy heart, but with a purpose....

i dont know who still reads this as i notice all of my friends now are on FB - but it's been an itneresting year - work is still work with all of its insanity - trying in this economy to stay on top is more of a struglle than anyone will ever know - but i thnk no rather i know we will get through it -
on my personal life, my daughter my seond has graduated high school - that is phenomenal - i dont even know wha tto say - i have two more to go - i am half done,and in a way, i feel liekt eh old story (the glass half empty half full) while part of me is happy in a way feeling somewhat accomplished there is a part of me that is sad ) they have grown up, will not need me as they needed b4, i mean they alwyas need their mommies but it wont be the same so yes, part of me is sad and happy) -
looking forward to the new school year cuz now only TWO to shop for :) - in other news, let's see....my niece is due any day with ehr baby, and my brother and his wife just had thier son (Matthew) - aww's he's a beaut) i'm so happy for my bro though i havent been able to make it down to see baby and family - tough times here for me - and i just found out my niece is pregnant so that makes for ALOT of babies this year
so - i am feeling just a little sad and happy tonight - seeing how my life has its ups and downs - but i guess i've always been that way - and i manage to pass through the bumps....oh and for those of you that expected this last year - well -----------------------i am finally baptized...to those of you that may never understand this step, i will not explain - to those of you who love me, and understand me and need no explanantions - its a step i should have taken many many moons ago - but with this step i feel some sort of peace though hard to explain. i know with this baptism comes a responsiblity to live up to what i've tkaen part it is not the end of a journey but merely the beginning with much more to come - and with all of that i feel honored, and humbled all at the same time - my lfie has been nothing short of a rolelrcoaster but with this extra step i know that i will get through it - i know i will..so to those of you who love me for who i am and HAVE ALWAYS supported me - thanks - i love you all more tha you wille ve rknow - for those of you who i've loved, and have loved me differently, and hurt me along the way - i pray that one day you KNOW how much i love you, and how much i will alwyas love you, and how i pray that one day you will see that, and see how you were manipulated...it was not me that changed, but you, and your glassesss......
oh, what an intresting world we live in...and on that note my friends i must depart - not feeling well today wierd pains in my left arm tonight
felt good though to share more than just a passing thought like on FB so maybe i should ocme on here more :O)
to my friends, David, Dawn and Kori - love and miss you gusy

OMG - i havent posted in forever - now that i have facebook, it has taken over my life - sorry live journal buddies - but tonight i need to write - i need to write because my heart hurts. my cousin has a seven month old babie born with spinal muscular atropny - the prognosis isnt good, she wont live to see a year and a half - she is going downhill very quickly - and i feel as terrible as i could feel - all i want to do is cry - and i've never held this little girl, we have never met, lord i havent seen my cousin in 20 yrs since i graduated high school - we have talked over the years, and i love her like words cant explain...so i am feeling a loss like that of my own child - i cant imagine losing one of my children - god....i feel so helpless...i knwo these things happen, and it's life, but god, it doesnt make it easy - i'm a firm believer in my faith but it still tugs at my heart strings - it's unimagginable to lose a child especially at such a young age - if you could see her, you would melt, she is such a cutie, unimaginable adorable, she pulls at your heart strings...i've never met her, i've never held her, never said a word to her, but she has touched me in ways i cant describe....there is this webiste Caring Bridge.org that my cousin posts every day for her duaughter as she is her, and lord i must say it's exchilirating in a sense, i know its my cousin, but i imagine it's Jori, her little face, her small words, and her big heart expressing to those of us, who live our days in a hurry, forgetting that tomorw we dont know what comes...as i write this, i am crying, because my heart hurts, my heart hurts for my cousin who only through emails right now knows i'm there for her, my heart hurts for Jor that she will never get to live to see so many things that we all take for granted, my heart hurts for myself for taking so much for granted, and not realizing how short life is though i've been reminded often, my heart hurts that so many people are lost these days, and dont knwo ahy....i needed to vent, i needed to talk...no one is on tonight, and i'm sad...i need a friend, someone who i know loves me, who understands me beyond all my immperfections...i feel so sad, and alone right now, i am trying to cmprehend all of this feeling like once agian i have regrets, regrets for not being there for my cousin, for holding her hand, for giving her guidance....my own life is so crazy, this stupid economy this stupid system has all of us working so hard, we never see the light at the end of the tunnel, and i still keep a smile on my face at the end of each and every day knowing not thinking i will get through it, why because i have faith...and yet i hate someitmes being so emotional, so booohooey - it clouds the rest of me, but then i remember why i love that part, because it is the human part of me, the part that remembers that all of us have our own trial and tribulations we go through, and though impossible to understand, somehow we make it through and become stronger,....

ok...now that i vented and yet still no one is on....i have to tell you all how escited i was that my great nephew was born on my b-day - not that i celebrate my birthday cuz i havent done that in nearly 20 years but because in a wierd way it is a cycle of life. you see my Mother, my birth mom who passed away 18 yrs ago this year, i was her baby the one she missed all these years, the one she gave up for adoption, and in just the right time b4 she got cancer was able to reconnect with...it allowed her to die in peace....so that daughter, ME - shares the same day as her great nepphew to the niece she has shared her heart with, who has showd her a path of righteousnss, that doesnt allow for drugs and alcohol - i shared with her a peice of me, and now her child and me share a day a bond...i think thats increidible as my sister said, it's the cycle of life...:) * maybe i am just weird

so, my 2nd daughter Ashley is graduating high school this year....i cant belive already how time is flying..i dont know what to do - i know it is how it goes, but i am feeling old, and out of control - i cant control time, i cant turn back time, and so much i wish i had done differnet, i should have worked less, i shoudl have been home more, i knwo they know i love them, but...do they know what i missed? do they how bad i feel that i missed/ do they know what i wanted to be able to do? what my dreams and aspiratons were/ i wouldnt change any of it...but my life bacame my children, my husband, and now it's my faith, and i feel so blessed...i just feel like i blinked, and they grew - i dont know where it went...

well, lj i'm signing off :)

today was an amazing day - first of all, i worked late last ngiht so i could have today to myself - we got up early, and started getting ready - today was the funeral for my cousins wife, and my parents were meeting us @ the house, and we were going over together...so up, got coffee, breakfast, and then curled the hair, got all my girls ready and my parents got here late - then we all got in the car, and instead of going together, we went in all of our cars - my brother came down, which was nice, havent seen him in forever - on the way, little did i knwo until later, that my parents got in a fender bender - imagine that - a motorcycle hit them in the back - cRAZY - they were ok, but good crunch on the back of my dad's truck - the get together was awesome - they (disney) of whom Kristin (my cousins wife) put on the affiar - they hoooked up the food, tents, music, chairs, etc - it was very nice - but the best part, and nothing best about funerals, and the loss of life, but that i reconnected with my cousins after 20 years - i grew up with them, and have so many fond memories, and i miss them - truly miss them - i hope we all dont fade back into the background - i've cried a couple of times hugging my cousin Brian, as i'm sure the days ahead will be tough - he's strong, but i want him to know i'm here for him for whatever he needs - he always was there for me - me and him always were in trouble, or making each other laugh - an amazing day - though again, so sad, she was 32 years old, left behind two beautiful young girls, 5 and 4...they will never know the one thing i know about her, is just how azmaizng she was - she had an incredible smile, and even for the brief time i met her last year at my duaghters party, she was so nice, and welcomed me as well into thier lives - they will know thier mother by whatever memories they may have, or pictures, or stories people may tell them, but it wont be the same - my kids had a good time today too, meeting people they never met before - and now i'ts home to unwind, and wiat for monday :)
love you all facebook friends :) - may each of you appreciate the life you have, the breath you take, adn the love we all take for granted, remember that life is precious in all capacities, and it's so short, here on day and gone the next - hug the one you are next to - tell them you love them, and take inventory of your life often - for we are mere specks that forget what we have and how amazing it is

sorry i havent been here in awhile - FB has taken over my life - of course i'm busy this year, my second kid is a senior this year, which also incudes diong the senior pics which we did over the summer, soon to be driving, she takes her test on the 21st, and all the other acrtiviites she will be doing this year. i also have a freshman this year, my 3rd daughter started HS this year, it made me a little sad, as i see all of them growing, and my baby is in 5th grade, and that too makes me sentimental because being the baby, she'll be in junior high...this stuff is supposed to get easier. Work has been really busy lately which should be good, i'm still alive, and opened, and all the fun stuff but we are clawing to stay alive thorugh all the debt. We are figuring out what we need to do - i know we are planning on still running, but we made do some sort of reoroganization to help with the debt -we will see - it's been an itneresting year - personal life, well, my husbands uncle died 2 weeks ago, and then my cousins wife just Sunday - its alot of death all of a sudden, i feel the worse for my cousin - she was young, and they have two young children, but we have an aamzing family, and everyone has come down to be with him....it will be intersting to see all the fam after nearly 20 years....
i'm off to take my duaghter to school - miss you friends - most of you i see on facebook - but this is different, more personal
love ya - peace today and everyday

ok, so what's up with me? work sucks, i'm dilligently working every day, working on new clients, working on keeping excisiting ones, trying to squeeze money out of turnips, to keep our heads above water, i dont want to be a casualty in this economy but it's tough - employees are giving me hell, including old employees - it's all fun - so antoher day of work, another day of the endless headache that finally makes me sick, i am just trying to get through - any ideas?

Ok, so you think i vanished, i havent vanished, i am kind of on facebook, but not even barely there as life has kept me super busy - i'm always busy having kids, husbnad, my business, etc...the economy has affected the business in a way where i need to be at the office more, working, selling, talking, working all the fun stuff you know - i recently fired my assisntant, long story, it ends with me now doing the accounting, the customer service, the orders, the shipping, the phones, etc....which then leads me into that my niece is here with me - she's workign with me, and i'm working on getting her on her feet, and she's doing pretty good, just need to get on her about structure, etc....kids are good, i love teenagers, and border line crazy teenagers, my 9 yr old is getting mouthy, and testy which leaves me wondering how my sweet little angel turned into this child i dont know, my other two teenagers, are doing pretty good, cant commplain, typical, all the kids are great kids, i cant say they arent, it's just the usual not keeping your room clean, complaining, whining, spoiled, not doing homework attitude that makes me crazy....health has been pretty good lately though with the stress, i'm not sure, i'm getting some neck pain, and arm pain again, not bad but enough for me to notice, i have noticed i'm getting dizzy spells lately which makes me concerned, and headaches more than i liek - headaches i've always dealth with but out of the blue the dizzy spells, i dont know what that's all about -
i feel pretty good emotionally, some days i want to cry, others i feel really good, and then i seem to try to balance both of those feelings all day - maybe i'm craazy or borderline crazy, but osmeitmes i feel like a fraud, i'm smiling happy and juggling though it feels like i'm just defrauding some i know cuz inside i'm confused, scared, angry, and bewildred, but then i flip and i'm feeling light as air cuz it's all moving along - i dont make any sense, i rarely do, i'm just trying to deal and get through
business is picking up though i can always do more, i'm excited for osme of the things going on, and i'm happy that im helping make a difference with my niece, i do love my family and nothing i would ever not do for them, which then makes me miss my mom and sisters
anyhow, i jsut wanted to post so you all knew i was alive, maybe some of you can put some words to what i'm feleing, put it into prospective, to those of you who i love, and miss, Kori, David, and Dawn - i miss you - love you more than you will ever know, and i count myself lucky to have my group of friends, that bear with me through my insanity, and at the end are still willing to call me thier friend :)
peace out

So, as Dawn and I have agreed, since we started FB, LJ has taken a backseat - nothing personal - just seems it has taken over my life :) - life here has been pretty good, nothing too esciting - we are still trying to figure out what's up with kathleen - good days bad days - even the nutrionist we went to see was baffled as to why the rheumatologist would send her there, so we wil head back to the PED's doc, and go from there - maybe it's all stress related, or i passed on the bad GASTRO Gene, but the nutrionist did recommend that my youngest see a gastroentologist, so off we will go - work has been crazy,it's busy, but people still paying slow which makes me pay slow etc - but somehow it's working out, and i feel blessed - personal life isnt bad - hubby and i celebrated our 19th anniversary, fairly quickly but it still was nice - we went to disneyland, and went to blue bayou which coincentally we went to when we were dating, so it signifed our 20 yrs of being togethr, and 19 of being married, right after that we went on piratse of carribean, and headed home for his 6 am flight out on a business trip, so short and sweet, but it was nice. the kids decorated the house, and made us a cake with a little disco ball that was lit right in the middle - it was really SWEET - the rest of the year is going to BE REALLY busy, but its good - so for a change, nothing to depressing posted, life is the same ups, downs, stress, sickness, etc - but i'm happy - i feel blessed throught it all
love and peace to all of you

Yea, i havent posted in awhile, i think about it, but have no energy - ive been so tired lately, which makes me wonder if there's not more going on - anyhow - update: so since back surgery, i have felt 100% better, just now i'm getting headaches every day which makes me wonder is it my back, or what? i take excedrin, tylenol, nothing helps, so i dont know what to do. i am folliwng up with physican to get my heart checked, so far so good, the only thing i know so far is i have skpped beats, what causes that? anyone one out there know? next week, i get to wear the halter for 24 hrs to follow up and see what's going on with my little ticker, so that's me in a little nutshell...we are a bound of medical mysteries at my house, next is my 9 yr old who has been having hp and leg pain since december significantly getting worse, and worse yet, we have no answer, we've been to general physican, to orthopedist who sent us to a rheumatologist. she's been poked twice for a bunch of blood tests, and had 2 xrays - twice a dr has made a comment about her weight, and admittedly she is a little overweight but to be honest we've tried a regime at home to help with the weight, and regardless what we do, it doesnt shave off, now itneresting enough the one doctor specualts she may have a thyroid problem which may explain the weight but she's 9 yrs old with significant pains, can we adress the weight secondly and think about her pains, for crying out loud, she cant even walk sometimes - i do pay attention to her weight, and i feel like garbage when a dr says something, first and formeost, we arent a junk food household, i have healthy foods at home, she drinks water, loves carrots, salads, healthy food, we dont stock our hosue with cookies, cakes, and junk...so...anywys...and now my 16 yr old is having stomach issues where she doubles over in pain, so it's never dull at my house.....
Work thank god is picking up, we are getting really busy- i got a contact in @ disney, which i'm so stoked about, we are doing the ACM's in April, and i'm supposed to be getting tickets to go to that, i'm going in July to see Keith urban in concert, hubby and I are going to learn how to Line Dance, found a cool country club around these parts we can kick up our heels and have fun, oh, and I will be in a magazine in May woohoo - for my digital printing. we did a restaurant here with grpahics on the inside and outside, and now i'll be metnioned int eh magazine, IM SO EXCITED - and to add all that, someone nominated me, for woman of the year - so on my wall is one of those cheesy plaques "Woman of the year 2009" for contributing to her industry, colleagues, neighbors - or something like that - yes, cheesy, but it makes me feel all gushy so there...other than that, things are good, i was a little stressed about work but it's picking up, thank goodness - so i still will put out a sales pitch, you need it printed call me www.zinggraphics.com :) - more business the better, keep me open, let me survive this icky thing we call a recession - LOVE AND PEACE ALL - i miss everyone - keep me in your prayers and thoughts, thanks for always letting me ramble, without judgement :)

so, my week has been busy busy busy - work is picking up, and we are getting thorugh it :) yea
but this week, my parents are fighting, whatever, so they fight, but mom kicked dad otu, and was furious, and then my mom is trying to make me choose sides, i'm not choosing sides, they've been married 39 years, work it out - OMG - so me and mom had a big arguement today,s he told me to GROW UP, and gave me guilt cuz i didnt choose a side, i mean come one - they are my parents, i'm not choosing sides, and im not getting in the middle - and i'm not sorry, i told her stuff she needed to hear for years, she has given us guilt trips, and i'm done with that, come one
anyhow, needed to vent
:(